Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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