Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
