I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
