saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
