you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
