I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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