Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
