You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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