Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
