I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
