I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
