Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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