I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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