Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
