Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
