i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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