He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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