Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
