DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I want her autograph on my taint
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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