There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize