That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
