WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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