I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
