I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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