I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
