First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
