You're my little dorito
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
