I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
