I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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