You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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