She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She told me I should be a condom model.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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