Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
