Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize