God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
