Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
