one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
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