When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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