Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
