Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
