She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
you are never too drunk for berry picking
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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