I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
