Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
