yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need to sanitize my soul.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
