do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i've created a new STD.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
this is an emotional support booty call
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
