Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize