the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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