Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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