I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
