I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
