i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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