I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize