You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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