He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
