JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
