Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
