Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
These tits shall not be calmed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
