mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
