I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
