WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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