people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
