i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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