Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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