I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
