dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
