Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
