my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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