absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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