I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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