I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
