What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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