dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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