When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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