I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
